What I Learned by Watching “Uncut Gems”

First of all, let me preface this by saying that I did not finish watching Uncut Gems, starring Adam Sandler. As a matter of principle, I cannot bill this as a movie review since I DNF’ed it. I’ll tell you a bit from what I saw. Take my input at your own discretion.

The movie just hit RedBox today and I tried with every smidge of willpower to finish it. Alas, I couldn’t. I made it to the 48-minute mark before surrendering to the movie’s endless stream of stupid New York chitter-chatter. The characters curse like unsupervised 12 year olds. If any sentence didn’t have the f-bomb, it probably had the “n” one as a subsititute. We get to see New Yorkers of different stripes: Italians, African-Americans, and Jews (in all the time I was able to sit through. Probably has Eskimos, too, but who cares?).

The movie introduces Sandler’s character with us gazing into his butthole. I’m not even kidding. Okay, it was a colonoscopy, same difference. But Sandler is a dirt bag who prioritizes gambling over his own wife and family. He also owes debts to virtually every person he meets. Geez, take the betting down a notch sometime. If you’re losing all these bets then maybe this isn’t the life for you? No one, not even Sandler or Kevin Garnett, shows a modicum of intelligence.

Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that Kevin Garnett is in this. KG was my favorite b-ball player back in the mid-2000s. To see him in this monstrosity fills me with revulsion. He plays himself, and may I say, he manages to make himself look bad. I’m going to chalk this up to him wanting to break into Hollywood, which is respectable. But for God’s sakes, have some dignity, KG. What was so embarrassing about it, you ask? Sandler’s character procures a rare opal and tries to smarm KG. After gazing into the stone for 2 seconds, Garnett acts like he’s learned the secret of the universe. He actually sells his championship ring for the stone. I’m not kidding.

For all I know, there’s maybe a redeeming part of the movie that I missed where Garnett doesn’t look like a doofus anymore. Big deal. The point of this blog is that Uncut Gems was so revolting to the point that I couldn’t sit through it. When a movie’s cursing and middle-school street talk turns you off, should that be a positive quality about yourself? Well, yeah!

Cursing makes me cringe, especially if it’s in every sentence. Hey, I don’t mind the f-word. I use it, albeit conservatively. To use it liberally looks so…forced. And you look like a friggin’ lunkhead when you do it. Give me something thought-provoking and sophisticated and I’ll sit through it. Does that make me thought-provoking or sophisticated? I’ll let you be the judge.

The takeaway from today’s blog is: ALWAYS, and I mean, ALWAYS pay attention to someone’s taste in movies. ALWAYS. Their tastes show a lot more than they realize.

If you’re Jewish and your boyfriend likes Nazi propaganda films, then baby I got bad news for you.

Film Rating: NO RATING. I’D RATHER GAZE INTO SOMEONE’S BUTTHOLE AND I ALREADY DID THAT. THANKS MOVIE!!!!!!!

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