What is the rallying cry of male incels everywhere? Hint: It’s not “Nice guys finish last” or saying “I love you” after the first date.
Another hint: Why don’t you just look at the damn title?
That’s right! “I just…want…to talk.”
When women hear that phrase from men, they get this primordial urge to crap out an excuse on the spot. “Oh, I can’t do this right now. My boyfriend needs me. Sorry!”
Now, before you hit the ‘Back’ button on your browser, understand that I’m being facetious. I know there are other angles to this, and I’ll touch upon them. Just give me a minute.
So I watched The Irishman a few months ago, and amidst all the bloodshed, there was one scene that was genuinely heart-wrenching. It was where Frank (Robert DeNiro) tried to talk and catch up with his estranged daughter at the bank where she worked. Upon seeing her father, however, she put up a “Next Window Please” sign and walked away without saying a word.
“Peggy, I just want to talk.” Frank pleaded.
Frank got out of prison not too long before that, and his physical body was beginning to crumble. He was no longer the brutish, powerful hitman for the mob. He was reduced to an old man that could barely walk his way around his own home. A lonely old man whose mob friends all died. A lonely man whose own family wanted nothing to do with him because they were (in)direct witnesses to his life of crime. His daughters shut themselves off from him and refused to go to him for protection because of his brutal, murderous nature.
“Peggy, I just want to talk.”
Maybe I’ve been a little misleading up to this point. Maybe it’s not the phrase itself that’s a turn-off, it’s probably the context that matters. Women will do anything to put themselves out of harm’s way. After hundreds of millions of years of evolution, women have developed a more sly, cunning defensive mechanism to keep themselves safe. And who are the biggest threats to women?
Men, because of their innate physical strength and aggression hormones.
Maybe when a woman hears that a guy wants to discuss his feelings, she shys away from it because it’s not manly for men to do that. It could be nature’s way of telling men to be stoic and stop their whinging. Maybe there’s the potential of harm if she doesn’t react the way he wants.
Men + Emotion = A very bad combo, sad to say.
There’s a downside to the female reacting this way, though. Mental illness disproportionately affects men. It’s harder for men to openly talk about their feelings because their male peers may react negatively to it. Instead of finding a solution, they bottle up their negative emotions time and again. What happens is their mental health corrodes over time.
They’re constantly living in the past, and not the present. While they’re spending every present moment regretting things they wish they did differently, life passes them by. In doing so, they accrue even more regrets. They make even more mistakes with no end in sight. One thing piles on top of another, and eventually the man drowns in all that trauma that he couldn’t release in a healthy way.
Perhaps men seek women for these free counseling sessions because they’re naturally accustomed to talking about these matters. They’re seeking women because they trust them. They want an alternative to paying for a therapist.
I know, it’s tough. Both sides are simply trying to save themselves. One side sees the other as the aggressor. The other sees the other side as cold and uncaring.
I know, there’s a lot of nuances involved. There’s just no way I can cover all these bases in one blog post. But ladies, just consider this: Maybe the man trusts you with handling sensitive information. Maybe it’s his way of admiring you. You don’t have to reciprocate his interest if he’s showing that.
Men, understand that women have their own reasons for avoiding you. I’m biased, but as a guy, I hate it when women do this. But it is what it is.
My goal for today’s blog was not to take sides, but to help both sides understand something. This is a matter of mental health that severely impacts one gender. It’s also a concern for personal safety for the other.
All of us just want one thing: to vent. To connect.