First of all, let me preface this by saying that I did not finish watching Uncut Gems, starring Adam Sandler. As a matter of principle, I cannot bill this as a movie review since I DNF’ed it. I’ll still tell you a bit from what I saw.

Take my input at your own discretion.

The movie just hit RedBox today and I tried with every smidge of my willpower to finish it. Alas, I couldn’t.

Hardly a Gem…

I made it to the 48-minute mark before surrendering to the movie’s endless stream of stupid New York chitter-chatter. The characters curse like unsupervised 12-year-olds, it’s ridiculous.

Scene in Uncut Gems. Adam Sandler is on the street talking to somebody offscreen.
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If a sentence didn’t have the f-bomb, it probably had the “n” one in as a substitute. We get to see New Yorkers of different stripes: Italians, African-Americans, and Jews in all the time I was able to sit through. The movie probably has Eskimos, too, but who cares?

Grain of Sandler

The movie introduces Sandler’s character with us gazing into his butthole.

No, I’m not kidding.

Okay, it was a colonoscopy, same difference. But Sandler plays a dirtbag who prioritizes gambling over his own wife and family. He owes debts to virtually every person he meets.

Scene in the movie Uncut Gems. Adam Sandler's character is trying to sell a Furby necklace.
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Geez, take the betting down a notch sometime. If you’re losing all these bets then maybe this isn’t the life for you. No one, not even Sandler or Kevin Garnett, shows a modicum of intelligence.

Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that Kevin Garnett is in this.

That’s the Big Ticket! Not!

See, KG was my favorite b-ball player back in the mid-2000s. To see him in this monstrosity fills me with so much revulsion. He plays himself, and may I say, he manages to make himself look bad.

I’ll chalk this up to him wanting to break into Hollywood, which is respectable. But for God’s sakes, KG, have some dignity.

What was so embarrassing about it, you ask? Sandler’s character procures a rare opal and uses it to smarm KG. After gazing into the stone for two seconds, Garnett acts like he learned the secret of the universe.

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He actually sells his championship ring for the stone. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not.

For all I know, there’s a redeeming part in the movie where Garnett doesn’t look like an idiot anymore. I probably missed it because of my low tolerance for cinematic stupidity. 🤷‍♂️

Curses!

Big deal. The point of this blog is that Uncut Gems was so revolting to the point that I couldn’t sit through it. When a movie’s cursing and middle-school street talk turns you off, should that be a positive quality about yourself?

Well, yeah!

Cursing makes me cringe, especially if it’s done in every sentence. Hey, I don’t mind the f-word. I use it, albeit conservatively. To use it liberally looks so…forced. You look like a friggin’ lunkhead doing it.

Have Some Standards

Give me something thought-provoking and sophisticated and I’ll sit through it. Does that make me thought-provoking or sophisticated? I’ll let you be the judge.

The takeaway from today’s blog is: ALWAYS, and I mean, ALWAYS pay attention to someone’s taste in movies. ALWAYS. Their tastes show a lot more than they realize.

If you’re Jewish and your boyfriend likes Nazi propaganda films, then baby I got bad news for you.

Film Rating: NO RATING.
DID NOT FINISH. I’D RATHER LOOK INTO SOMEONE’S BUTTHOLE, WHICH I ALREADY DID. THANKS, MOVIE!!!

Corey Toomey wearing a Van Halen shirt and giving a thumbs up.

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